I can't sleep~my brain is very good at thinking at sprinter pace when it should be sleeping...and then sleeping through lecture when it needs the sprinting to keep up. But don't we all have that, some days?
Its been about two weeks since I sat down and blogged more than a few sentences or posted some of my photography. And man, how time flies. I truly do not have any idea how it moves so fast; I will be returning from the Dominican Republic one month from today. Which means I leave for Dominican Republic three weeks from today. For something I have been preparing for for so long, I know it will come and go in the blink of an eye.
Time seems to do that-move so fast that some things come and go and change and change again before we are even really able to understand or comprehend any of it. I was reflecting on a lot of that today. In less than three months, I will have a bachelors degree, and I will have already had my first days of clinical number one. I will be living completely on my own, in a new state, farther away from any family or friends than I have ever been. I am so excited, but it is a non-understandable nervousness at the same time. I am very optimistic, however, and am looking forward to evening and weekend time with cooking dinner, studying, photography, and -hopefully- relearning the guitar. Exploring and adventuring are on the top of my to do list this summer.
And yet, I have no idea what to expect. Working in a clinic, as an SPT, in a place I have never been, moving into a cottage without ever seeing it before, having neighbors, living on a lake, all of it is new. And where it will take me is completely mystery. But the more I think about it, so is the future. The potential for change and growth and more growth and change in the next two years is immense.
I found out today that my grandfather has an aneurysm in his heart. While it would mean the world for me to see him at my DPT graduation in two years, I understand there is a chance he won't be here for it. And then, the more I thought about it, I realized he could not be here for this year's graduation. Any moment can have a direct impact on the direction of the rest of life, nothing is certain.
As I look out and think of some of my closest friends, many are looking at marriage or engagement within the next two years. My baby brother could, potentially, end up in that group. Some of my best friends could be relocating to any where in the country, miles away from home after graduation, or miles away from Loretto, which truly has become my second home. Its possible I could be moving to Italy for two months, and end up two other random places anywhere in the United States, for 8 and 15 weeks each, respectively. I could move on and fall in love again, or I could simply have two years of immense self growth, or both. I could lose some incredible great-great aunts and uncles whom mean the world to me but have failing health, or I could be blessed with many more memories with them. I will watch my baby brother graduate and transition into a young man. I will, without a doubt, see friendships grow and change as the result of marriage, break ups, misunderstandings, late night conversations, and great bonding moments.
The potential for the next two years of my life is unmeasurable.
But, then again, yours is, too.
So many of us grow up with this dream, which is in a way a plan; especially a lot of little girls. We have this image of our prince charming, and how it is all going to play out. How we will meet, what he will look and act like, what he will do, how we will fall for him, when and how he will fall for and ultimately propose. We have a timeline of how long these things will take to occur, how it will fit into our schooling, our planning, our childbearing years. We have ideal ages, ideal everything, in a way.
But, here is the thing. While you should never give up on that man (or woman, for you men) who is not perfect, but perfect for you (and never, ever settle for anything less), we need to be willing to adapt. We, ourselves, will grow and change. What is perfect for us may not be what we thought it was at 15. And life, it is totally unpredictable. We can have this plan, but we really cannot have an ounce of certainty that it will work at all-even if we do everything right to get it there.
There will be sleepless nights we never thought we would have. These nights of sleeplessness and sprinter-paced thought can be from anything. Someone we care about might end up out past curfew in a blizzard with a cell phone accidentally left on silent (love you, baby brother). Friends will hurt us unintentionally. School, work, and life may just be a bit too demanding for full processing during the day. Hearts will break. And thoughts will still run.
But maybe it is the uncertainty, those sleepless nights, that we actually grow. Maybe, we learn how to worry less, or how to lean on God more. What if those nights are how God brings us closer to him, where He promises that, no matter what uncertainties lie ahead, He will be there to bring us through every single one.
As I reflect, as I look ahead tonight, I realize that God is teaching me in these moments. He is drawing me closer to Him, reassuring me that I will never be alone in whatever adventure, journey, and heartache may lie in my future. He is my father, He loves me, and He will continue to take every opportunity He can to bring me closer to Him. And right now, its the sleepless night He is using.
Even in your moments of hardship and strife, do not be afraid to call upon the Lord. He loves you and will fill your heart with a peace you have never known. All you have to do is ask.
Father God, I thank you for this day of reflection. I thank you for the sunshine and the brisk wind, for the conversations, for the learning. I thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life and for all that they have taught me. I pray that I can be everything they ever need me to be for them, too, Lord. Father, I pray that you continue to guide my heart, my mind, and my actions according to Your Will. Help me to fully trust in You and rely on You. I thank you for the opportunities that lie ahead of me and the experience, growth, and memories that lie behind me. May I forever be grateful for each of them, and always be open to further growth and change in each new moment. Please be with those I love and care about Lord~and with those I struggle to understand, Lord.
In Your Holy Name, I pray. Amen
